Saturday, 10 January 2015

Go to the Gym, Starve an Alligator

Raise your hand if your New Year's Resolution was to join a gym.

Could save your life.

Increased blood flow, lower body mass index, better cardiovascular output.

Not only that.

Reduced social isolation, improved stress reduction, tighter abs.

True but there's more. Latest research shows joining a gym can prevent you from being eaten to death by rabid alligators or at least save you $350.

Colleague's husband went fishing in Florida.  Went to end of pier where there were lots of fish. Also lots of starving alligators.

Caught fish. Left pier, went back to car.  Keys not in pocket.  Walked back to end of pier and look for keys in murky water.

Call car rental company who says it will be $350 for a new set of keys.

Think about jumping in and hunting around but can't because of ravenous alligators.

Can't see keys from pier because same colour as murky water.

But oh wait. What is that fluorescent orange tag glimmering in the water.

Take fishing pole.

Fish out metal ring attached to fluorescent orange tag.

Car keys.


Unanswered Questions

1. If alligators were starving, why didn't they just eat the fish?
2. If Colleague and husband were on vacation, why would they have a gym tag on their car rental key?
3. If my gym tag isn't fluorescent orange, is going to the gym still good for my health?

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

E=mc varmint

Guy walking in front of me has tattoo of Albert Einstein on back of left calf.

Overhear wife saying they live in rural area where I happen to know there is a university.

He must be a physics professor I whisper to my Husband. Or maybe math.

Restaurant for lunch and Guess Who is sitting at adjacent table.

Pleasantries exchanged.

Minutes pass.

Well this lunch is almost over, I say to Professor, and I am dying to ask you about your relationship with Albert Einstein.  I have never seen an Albert tattoo before, so I'm guessing he must be very special to you. I say smugly, looking over at my Husband like I know everything I inquire innocently.

Yeah, says Professor.  It's all because of my first tattoo.

(Probably to celebrate PhD completion)

When I was seventeen I went out with my buddies and had a little too much to drink, know what I mean?

(Too young for PhD. Must be a science fair win)

and I came home with Yosemite Sam holding a beer on my shoulder.   Regretted it ever since.

So you got the Albert to cancel out the Yosemite?  Even though one is on your shoulder and one on your left calf?

Yes.  They don't cancel each other out, but they, like cancel each other out, know what I mean.  

Wife chimes in: We use this as a Cautionary Tale for our children.

Cautionary Tale, Okay, Go On.  (Maybe she's the Brownian Theory expert.)

Always plan ahead when you go to the tattoo parlour.  You should know which tattoo you are getting and where so that your buddies can't convince you to get a Yosemite Sam on your shoulder.

Possible Explanations For This Statement (Choose One):

1.  Because there may not always be an Uncle Albert to bail you out.

2.  Because every one knows Yosemite Sam drinks bottles of XXX. The beer is just embarrassing.

3.  Because if Albert was on your shoulder and Yosemite was on your calf, people walking behind you might think you were hunting Bugs Bunny instead of the guy who figured out that gravity can bend light.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Good Thing I Didn't Send Oreos

Bake sale at T's school to raise money for local food bank.

Knew I wouldn't have time to bake for bake sale.

Bought two boxes of nut-free, individually wrapped, chocolate covered granola bars.

Night before bake sale get frantic email from organizers:


Email the organizers not to panic, I am bringing two boxes of CHOCOLATE COVERED GOODIES to sell, so their inventory is up by at least 16 items.

Bake sale is adjacent to Craft sale.

Setting money on fire Purchasing only on highly necessary items at the Craft sale and bump into Home and School President.

Your email was So Funny. We all just cracked up that you actually bought stuff for the bake sale instead of using fresh local farm to table free trade organic ingredients.  That was so cute.  We all just laughed and laughed.

Smile politely and wander over to bake sale table expecting to see granola bars pathetically leaning against vegan carrot cake and hemp seed pumpkin latte brownies.

No granola bars.

Look in between egg-free meringues and sugarless candy canes.

Still no granola bars.

Volunteer mom leans over. Can I help you.

Yes. I'm the one who sent in the granola bars.  Just wanted to make sure you received them.

The boxes of granola bars?

Yes.  Where are they?

Those sold out this morning. They were the first things to go.

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Things That Never Happen At Tim Horton's

Nice thing about being lazy is knowing a lot of short cuts.

For example.

When ordering latte, hand barista two packs of sugar so that you don't have to rip the packets and stir yourself.

Ordered coffee.

Forgot to hand over sugar.

(Not nice thing about being lazy is sometimes you forget stuff).

Apparently every store has a little table with milk and various sweeteners just for situations like this.

Walk over to table.

Some overly made-up investment banker Another patron is quite spread out.

Purse, briefcase, laptop bag, iPad, cell phone, make up case all on top of milk and sugar table.  Will she put sweetener in her coffee or apply two more coats of blackberry extra shiny lip gloss?

Tapping my feet and looking at my watch patiently wait my turn and wonder why a corporate raider would need a full make up case.

Inch my way over and casually slide purse and briefcase over to make room for my to-go cup.

That sounds like a bark.

Oh my g-d yes it is.

The make up case is not a make up case.

The make up case is now licking a bit of spilled soy off the table.

Unanswered Questions

1. If you are not in fact carrying 1.4kg of make up around with you, how do you keep your skin looking so dewy all day?

2. Handing the barista two sugars is now not only about being lazy but also about avoiding skin contact with dog spew.

3. How does Fido like the new Pumpkin Spice Latte?

PS Remember when I offered to write up your story in exchange for a donation to the Breast Cancer Walk? Refresh your memory here.  This is one of those stories.  Thank you so much JS for your generous donation.

Friday, 19 September 2014

And The Envelope Please

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor 

My mom is driving me insane.  She is so annoy-.  Oh. Sorry. Guess it could be worse.

Most Inappropriate Shiva Drink 

You know those diet Coke cans that say Mom? They also have ones that say Sister, Grandma, Best Friend? Yeah those.

Most Appropriate Drink Or So They Tell Me

Scotch.  Anytime after 11.

Most Appearances By A Sandwich in A Seven Day Period

Party Sandwiches.  Yum.

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor In A Supporting Role

Did anyone like tape the funeral?  Because I heard that like your sister um spoke like really well?  And I also heard it was like standing room only.  But like I was uh in Toronto? Because um you know it was a long weekend. So like uh can I download the video? I really want to see it.

Worst Outfit Worn By A Mourner

Well I hate to brag but on about day four I wore a black skirt with giant holes that I thought was super cute.  Every person who walked in offered to just nip down to Wal-Mart and pick me up a black slip so I guess it wasn't as super cute as I thought.

Worst Outfit Worn By A Mourner - Vindication

But then best family friend and Celebrity stylist walked in and exclaimed from the doorway Oh My G-d that is the Best Skirt Ever Where Did You Get It.  So suck it, bitches  all's well that ends well.

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor (Male)

Do you two lovely ladies have anyone to fix me up with? Not sure if you heard but I'm uh newly single and looking to meet someone new.  Preferably a little younger.  I've tried older women and lets just say they aren't working for me.

Most Montreal Shiva Moment

Wait a second are you the plastic surgeon from Long Island that I sat next to at a wedding last night?  Asked the rheumatologist from Johns Hopkins.

Most Overwhelming Shiva Sensation

Gratitude.  We are so thankful for all of your love, support, cards, challahs, donations and breath mints.