Friday, 19 September 2014

And The Envelope Please

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor 

My mom is driving me insane.  She is so annoy-.  Oh. Sorry. Guess it could be worse.

Most Inappropriate Shiva Drink 

You know those diet Coke cans that say Mom? They also have ones that say Sister, Grandma, Best Friend? Yeah those.

Most Appropriate Drink Or So They Tell Me

Scotch.  Anytime after 11.

Most Appearances By A Sandwich in A Seven Day Period

Party Sandwiches.  Yum.

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor In A Supporting Role

Did anyone like tape the funeral?  Because I heard that like your sister um spoke like really well?  And I also heard it was like standing room only.  But like I was uh in Toronto? Because um you know it was a long weekend. So like uh can I download the video? I really want to see it.

Worst Outfit Worn By A Mourner

Well I hate to brag but on about day four I wore a black skirt with giant holes that I thought was super cute.  Every person who walked in offered to just nip down to Wal-Mart and pick me up a black slip so I guess it wasn't as super cute as I thought.

Worst Outfit Worn By A Mourner - Vindication

But then best family friend and Celebrity stylist walked in and exclaimed from the doorway Oh My G-d that is the Best Skirt Ever Where Did You Get It.  So suck it, bitches  all's well that ends well.

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor (Male)

Do you two lovely ladies have anyone to fix me up with? Not sure if you heard but I'm uh newly single and looking to meet someone new.  Preferably a little younger.  I've tried older women and lets just say they aren't working for me.

Most Montreal Shiva Moment

Wait a second are you the plastic surgeon from Long Island that I sat next to at a wedding last night?  Asked the rheumatologist from Johns Hopkins.

Most Overwhelming Shiva Sensation

Gratitude.  We are so thankful for all of your love, support, cards, challahs, donations and breath mints.  

Sunday, 29 June 2014

First Rule of Comedy: Timing

I want to visit Bubbie before I go to camp says 13 year old G.

Me too says 9 year old T. I love Bubbie.

Bubbie is in what appears to be one of the final stages of Alzheimer's Disease.  Communication and mobility are sporadic but somehow she is still able to have a relationship with her grandchildren who hold her hand, play 80s music for her, and even get her to dance a little.

Kids took bus to the best long term care centre in Canada visit Bubbie yesterday and I agreed to drive them home.

I am so relieved says T getting in the car. She wasn't in her wheelchair, she smiled and she ate really well.

Yeah and it was so funny. Two residents were eating supper and one fell asleep.   Then the one guy made sure no one was looking and stole dessert from the other lady and ate it and put the dish back on her tray before anyone noticed says G cracking up.

Get home in time to shower and change and meet other set of grandparents at restaurant for Friday-night-pre-camp-and-Florida-cousin-in-town dinner.

T asks for crayons.

Waitress forgets.

T asks for crayons again.

Waitress says: Oh must be my Alzheimer's acting up.  Smacks her head.

Ha ha ha. We all laughed politely.

I'm lying.  No one laughed. And no one was politely.

T looks at me, mouth open, eyes big.

I return the look.

Is that even allowed? T asks. Is that a thing? How can she be allowed to be a waitress and say things like that?

I don't know sweetie.  I just don't know.

Things We Could Have Said To The Waitress:

1.  Ooooh you should have that checked. I just saw online that the first sign of Alzheimer's is forgetting to bring crayons with the kids menu.

2.  Funny you should say that. My mother has Alzheimer's and I find these jokes absolutely hilarious.

3.  Alzheimer's? Are you sure it's not a brain tumour?

4.  Smack your head.  Good idea.  That will probably cure your Alzheimer's in no time.

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Good Thing They Liked the Lasagna

Company for dinner.

Arrive empty handed.

Come on in and can I get you a drink.

What do you have?

Orange juice, Perrier, cold sake, beer, diet Pepsi lime, canned sake, red wine, organic Moroccan mint ice tea, I think there is some sake back here and white wine.

What kind of white wine?

Chateau de Noclue.

Mmmm. Guest says, thin lipped.

Looks at her husband.

Hon she says. Can you go to the car.  Remember when we were shopping yesterday and bought all that  white wine. There are still a few bottles in the trunk.  Can you go and get me one because clearly we are going to die of thirst if we stick around here.

Husband goes to the car, gets the bottle of white wine and hands it to me.

Maybe we can have a glass of this.  And can I grab some ice cubes?

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Outlet Olympics

Visited American cousins.

Stopped at Outlet Mall on way home.

Bought two dresses which I thought were 50% off. When I got to cash, they were in fact 70% off of 50% off plus $10 discount which brought total to $30.97.  For two work dresses.  Both of which are four months out of season One of which has black pleather trim.

Oh yeah and bought 13 year old G a pair of shorts for $49.99.  That's a bit steep I said to cashier while my children cringed in embarrassment looked on with pride.

Cashier said If you buy a Second Pair then it will be $34.99.


No. For both.

(This story sounds familiar.)  Grabbed second pair and total for two shorts is $34.99.

You think that's great? asks Husband.

Yes I do.

Listen to this.  I went to buy shorts.  They were $33.48.  I got to the cash and the cashier said Where is your Second Pair.  Buy one pair of shorts and get the Second Pair for free.

Um, yeah, same thing happened to me.

Hang on.  I'm not finished telling my story.

Oh look cashier said.  Last guy here left his 48 cents change.  I will apply this change to your order and you will pay a cool $33 for your two pairs of shorts.

Choose A Moral:

1. I didn't know cashiers can apply random bits of leftover change to my purchase.

2. Even without the leftover change Husband paid less than I did for two pairs of shorts.

3. After three years of blogging, the cashiers are still the stars of the show.

4. My dresses may be out of season but come November I will be very happy to see them scrunched in an unmarked bag at the back of my closet neatly hanging on peach coloured satin padded lavender scented hangers.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Breast Cancer

Lots of complaints about Breast Cancer.

Worst part is that we have to end it.

60 g-d damn kilometers at the end of the summer.

Second worst part is have to raise $2K to walk.

(And you think chemo is a problem).

To make the fundraising more fun (yup, went there), my awesome team and I put a spectacular action together.  There are tons of cool stuff to buy, none of which I am featuring because they don't benefit me directly.  This hat is not worth clicking on, neither is any of the other knitted stuff, and the tickets totally suck.  Probably not worth browsing for jewellery or father's day gifts.

Getting back to me -

I am selling two things:

1. Complaint Celebrity: A chance for a starring role in this blog.  Click here to bid on the opportunity to tell me your complaint story and have me write it up and post it here.  I can feature you or put you in my witness protection program which often features a sex change. Up to you.

2. Complaint Consultation:  For all of you who stop me after my talks to tell me about your problems with the bank, the cable company or your mother in law, click here to email your complaint dilemma and I will give you a few options for how to resolve your complaint. If a letter needs to be sent, I will write it for you. If a phone call needs to be made, I will give you talking points.  I used to think this was a possible business opportunity but since it is now on the clearance table flying like hotcakes it may just be time to cut my losses the chance to explore other opportunities.

Amy that sounds so, uh, interesting. But honestly I don't want to buy you that badly.  Can't I just give you money so that you will go away?

Oh thank you so much for offering.

Yes of course.

Click here: Amy's Breast Cancer Donation Page to give me money.

Thank you in advance for your generous support.