Thursday, 18 December 2014

Good Thing I Didn't Send Oreos

Bake sale at T's school to raise money for local food bank.

Knew I wouldn't have time to bake for bake sale.

Bought two boxes of nut-free, individually wrapped, chocolate covered granola bars.

Night before bake sale get frantic email from organizers:


Email the organizers not to panic, I am bringing two boxes of CHOCOLATE COVERED GOODIES to sell, so their inventory is up by at least 16 items.

Bake sale is adjacent to Craft sale.

Setting money on fire Purchasing only on highly necessary items at the Craft sale and bump into Home and School President.

Your email was So Funny. We all just cracked up that you actually bought stuff for the bake sale instead of using fresh local farm to table free trade organic ingredients.  That was so cute.  We all just laughed and laughed.

Smile politely and wander over to bake sale table expecting to see granola bars pathetically leaning against vegan carrot cake and hemp seed pumpkin latte brownies.

No granola bars.

Look in between egg-free meringues and sugarless candy canes.

Still no granola bars.

Volunteer mom leans over. Can I help you.

Yes. I'm the one who sent in the granola bars.  Just wanted to make sure you received them.

The boxes of granola bars?

Yes.  Where are they?

Those sold out this morning. They were the first things to go.

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Things That Never Happen At Tim Horton's

Nice thing about being lazy is knowing a lot of short cuts.

For example.

When ordering latte, hand barista two packs of sugar so that you don't have to rip the packets and stir yourself.

Ordered coffee.

Forgot to hand over sugar.

(Not nice thing about being lazy is sometimes you forget stuff).

Apparently every store has a little table with milk and various sweeteners just for situations like this.

Walk over to table.

Some overly made-up investment banker Another patron is quite spread out.

Purse, briefcase, laptop bag, iPad, cell phone, make up case all on top of milk and sugar table.  Will she put sweetener in her coffee or apply two more coats of blackberry extra shiny lip gloss?

Tapping my feet and looking at my watch patiently wait my turn and wonder why a corporate raider would need a full make up case.

Inch my way over and casually slide purse and briefcase over to make room for my to-go cup.

That sounds like a bark.

Oh my g-d yes it is.

The make up case is not a make up case.

The make up case is now licking a bit of spilled soy off the table.

Unanswered Questions

1. If you are not in fact carrying 1.4kg of make up around with you, how do you keep your skin looking so dewy all day?

2. Handing the barista two sugars is now not only about being lazy but also about avoiding skin contact with dog spew.

3. How does Fido like the new Pumpkin Spice Latte?

PS Remember when I offered to write up your story in exchange for a donation to the Breast Cancer Walk? Refresh your memory here.  This is one of those stories.  Thank you so much JS for your generous donation.

Friday, 19 September 2014

And The Envelope Please

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor 

My mom is driving me insane.  She is so annoy-.  Oh. Sorry. Guess it could be worse.

Most Inappropriate Shiva Drink 

You know those diet Coke cans that say Mom? They also have ones that say Sister, Grandma, Best Friend? Yeah those.

Most Appropriate Drink Or So They Tell Me

Scotch.  Anytime after 11.

Most Appearances By A Sandwich in A Seven Day Period

Party Sandwiches.  Yum.

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor In A Supporting Role

Did anyone like tape the funeral?  Because I heard that like your sister um spoke like really well?  And I also heard it was like standing room only.  But like I was uh in Toronto? Because um you know it was a long weekend. So like uh can I download the video? I really want to see it.

Worst Outfit Worn By A Mourner

Well I hate to brag but on about day four I wore a black skirt with giant holes that I thought was super cute.  Every person who walked in offered to just nip down to Wal-Mart and pick me up a black slip so I guess it wasn't as super cute as I thought.

Worst Outfit Worn By A Mourner - Vindication

But then best family friend and Celebrity stylist walked in and exclaimed from the doorway Oh My G-d that is the Best Skirt Ever Where Did You Get It.  So suck it, bitches  all's well that ends well.

Best Quote From A Shiva Visitor (Male)

Do you two lovely ladies have anyone to fix me up with? Not sure if you heard but I'm uh newly single and looking to meet someone new.  Preferably a little younger.  I've tried older women and lets just say they aren't working for me.

Most Montreal Shiva Moment

Wait a second are you the plastic surgeon from Long Island that I sat next to at a wedding last night?  Asked the rheumatologist from Johns Hopkins.

Most Overwhelming Shiva Sensation

Gratitude.  We are so thankful for all of your love, support, cards, challahs, donations and breath mints.  

Sunday, 29 June 2014

First Rule of Comedy: Timing

I want to visit Bubbie before I go to camp says 13 year old G.

Me too says 9 year old T. I love Bubbie.

Bubbie is in what appears to be one of the final stages of Alzheimer's Disease.  Communication and mobility are sporadic but somehow she is still able to have a relationship with her grandchildren who hold her hand, play 80s music for her, and even get her to dance a little.

Kids took bus to the best long term care centre in Canada visit Bubbie yesterday and I agreed to drive them home.

I am so relieved says T getting in the car. She wasn't in her wheelchair, she smiled and she ate really well.

Yeah and it was so funny. Two residents were eating supper and one fell asleep.   Then the one guy made sure no one was looking and stole dessert from the other lady and ate it and put the dish back on her tray before anyone noticed says G cracking up.

Get home in time to shower and change and meet other set of grandparents at restaurant for Friday-night-pre-camp-and-Florida-cousin-in-town dinner.

T asks for crayons.

Waitress forgets.

T asks for crayons again.

Waitress says: Oh must be my Alzheimer's acting up.  Smacks her head.

Ha ha ha. We all laughed politely.

I'm lying.  No one laughed. And no one was politely.

T looks at me, mouth open, eyes big.

I return the look.

Is that even allowed? T asks. Is that a thing? How can she be allowed to be a waitress and say things like that?

I don't know sweetie.  I just don't know.

Things We Could Have Said To The Waitress:

1.  Ooooh you should have that checked. I just saw online that the first sign of Alzheimer's is forgetting to bring crayons with the kids menu.

2.  Funny you should say that. My mother has Alzheimer's and I find these jokes absolutely hilarious.

3.  Alzheimer's? Are you sure it's not a brain tumour?

4.  Smack your head.  Good idea.  That will probably cure your Alzheimer's in no time.

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Good Thing They Liked the Lasagna

Company for dinner.

Arrive empty handed.

Come on in and can I get you a drink.

What do you have?

Orange juice, Perrier, cold sake, beer, diet Pepsi lime, canned sake, red wine, organic Moroccan mint ice tea, I think there is some sake back here and white wine.

What kind of white wine?

Chateau de Noclue.

Mmmm. Guest says, thin lipped.

Looks at her husband.

Hon she says. Can you go to the car.  Remember when we were shopping yesterday and bought all that  white wine. There are still a few bottles in the trunk.  Can you go and get me one because clearly we are going to die of thirst if we stick around here.

Husband goes to the car, gets the bottle of white wine and hands it to me.

Maybe we can have a glass of this.  And can I grab some ice cubes?