Friday, 21 March 2014

It Would Just Be in Poor Taste

Hi I would like to place an order for delivery.

Go ahead.

Three hot and sour, eight won ton.

Shrimp or pork?

Shrimp.  Then I'd like two chicken with crispy spinach, two General Tao, two spare ribs one eggpla-

Eggplant spicy or not spicy?

Well, spicy, but not like too spicy. We want flavour but not to burn my mouth. Know what I mean?

Yes yes.  You like peanut butter dumplings?

Oh good idea.  Can I ask you to hang on a sec. DO WE WANT DUMPLINGS? NO, THE ONES IN PEANUT BUTTER.  I THINK THEY'RE CALLED HUNAN  Sorry I'll be right back.  GUYS! HELLO? DUMPLINGS? ASK THEM IF THEY WANT DUMPLINGS.  THE GUY IS WAITING ON THE PHONE.  UM OK FINE.  How many in an order?

Six dumplings in an order. Very good peanut butter dumplings.

Ok I have NO CLUE where anyone is so I'll just decide.  Sure we'll take the dumplings.  Two dumplings.

How many rice?

Six rice.

Let me repeat your order. Three hot and sour. Eight shrimp won ton. Two crispy spinach chicken, two General Tao, two pork spare ribs, one eggplant not spicy. Two Hunan dumpling. Six rice.

Sounds great.  When will you be here?

30-45 minutes.  I have one more question please.  Is this for a shiva?

Excuse me?

I have to ask you.  Is this food for a shiva?

Oy g-d forbid.  What kind of question is that?

I'm sorry ma'am but I need to know.  We never send fortune cookies to a shiva.


Sunday, 2 March 2014

Probably Laughing All the Way to Hunting Lodge in Jackson Hole

New craze going around Facebook called #feedthedeed (#needthefeed?).

Get nominated to do something nice for total strangers.  Take pics or video and then nominate someone else.  You have 24 hours to do it.

Have not been nominated.

In line at Grocery Store, guy ahead of me wearing scruffy hunting jacket.

Total bill comes to $15.33

Trying multiple credit cards.

Nothing works.

Line not getting shorter, people not getting more patient.

Think about all the #feedtheneed videos on FB, and feel motivated.  Don't have to actually be nominated I tell myself to do something worthwhile.

Admiring all the good works I have been seeing lately, and with all the knowing confidence in the world, I slip the cashier a twenty and say I got this.

Guy in scruffy hunting jacket does not make eye contact.

Takes forty-two fifties and about thirty-seven $100 bills out of his wallet.

Selects a crisp red $50 and hands to cashier.

No wonder have not been nominated for #seedthefeed.

Have worst sixth sense ever.

Almost tried to buy groceries for a millionaire.


Two Thumbs Up (For the Price of One)

Went to esoteric local film festival with fellow documentary aficionado last night.

Tickets were $11 per person.

Tried to buy them online and got obscure error message.

Asked aficionado to try her luck.

Got different yet still obscure error message.

Luckily film festival was sufficiently esoteric as to attract very minimal crowd.

Tickets were $11 per person.

But 2 for 1 if you have a bus pass.

Oh too bad, I said to cashier.  I should have borrowed bus passes from my kids.

Heehee, she laughed noncommittally.

Wait a minute, aficionado said to me and to the cashier.

If she has two bus passes, don't you think she should be entitled to the discount?

(Bear in mind that I had no actual children with me, let along children with bus passes)

Cashier thought it over.

Ok she said. I will give you two tickets for $11.  Enjoy the film.

Choose A Moral:

  1. No wonder film festival is not attracting crowds.  Advertising budget clearly blown on giving bus pass discount to apparently undeserving aficionados.
  2. If you carpool your teenage children, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that they arrived at school on time.  However, you may possibly be encouraging their dependency on you, and to add insult to injury, you will have to pay full price at the movies.
  3. If you ask nicely, sometimes you can get free stuff.
  4. Last Woman Standing. Highly Recommend.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

I May Not Be Able to Wear a Kippa or Hijab to Work But G-ddamit I Can Get $26 Off My Room

One thing led to another and I pull up at the Hampton Inn unexpectedly.

How much is a room?

$159.

Really? That's a lot more than I usually spend here.

Try Expedia.  I can't beat any rate that you find online.

Before I try Expedia I look on the Hampton Inn web site.  Hampton is not showing a Hampton in this location even though I am standing in it (and using the free wifi) for my search.

But look. Here is another third party vendor showing the room at $126. That's more like it.  Website will not take my postal code. However, there is what used to be called a 1-800 number but now it's 1-888.

Dial.

Hold. Bad music.

Ok ma'am I have a room for you, before I take your credit card number let me just convert the total to Canadian funds, and of course there is a Canadian processing fee - which takes us to - $159.

Oh.  No thank you then.

I guess I should take the clerk's advice and look on Expedia.  Here it is - a room for $138.   Am typing as fast as I can on my phone trying to pretend those are not my children grabbing the free chocolate chip cookies in the lobby because there are only two rooms left.  Phew. Nabbed a room. With a king sized bed.  For the four of us.  I don't love them that much.  Expedia not going to work.

It is slowly dawning on me that the kids have abandoned the cookie platter and are now making themselves hot chocolates that I may have to pay full retail price for this sucker.

Then I remember.

I have one card left to play.

Sir? I ask the clerk hopefully.  Do you still have a room with two queens available?

Yes we do.

And the room is $159?

Yes it is.

Do you have a government rate?

Yes.  $133.

I work for a hospital in Quebec, and the hospitals are government owned, do you need to see my i.d. card?

No that's OK, I believe you plus if you don't get your children out of here they may start eating the wallpaper.

Thank you so much.  Have a lovely evening.

Friday, 24 January 2014

The Back Story

Driving home from Toronto with 3 kids and no Husband.

Snowy.

Icy.

No visibility.

Down to One Lane.

Stop for Extra Large Two Milk Two Sugar and see multiple tow trucks lying in wait for their prey coincidentally all having coffee on the 401.

Four hours later we are still one hour from Kingston.

(In other words, this is taking twice as long as it should).

Slippery roads, 18 wheeler, our car ends up in the middle ditch.

Oh poor you, sounds like a nightmare.

No it was actually OK.  Kids fine. I'm fine.  Everyone breathing multiple sighs of relief.

Hampton Inn, Wal-Mart for bathing suits, dinner out.

Ouch. Unexpected budget hit.

No it was actually all very reasonable. Plus we were a bit giddy.

Kids hyper, didn't get to sleep till after midnight.

Ugh, totally exhausting.

Ended up fine, we all slept in, took a mental health day.

Um, Amy, we are all here for complaints.  Sounds like everything went, er, swimmingly.

Not everything.

Go ahead, we are listening.

(Prepare yourselves this is going to get ugly.)

Well I got to talking to two lovely ladies in the hotel lobby.  Turns out they were in town on business.

They work for the government.  They investigate complaints.  Police Complaints.

Awesome!  What a coincidence!

Not really.

Can you believe after all that I didn't have my book with me?

Moral of the Story: There used to be an old saying about wearing clean underwear in case of a car accident but I think they meant wear clean underwear and pack extra purple books.